I Rip People Off.


9 Friend Commandments I will abide by from now on.

1. Thou shalt look after thy drunk friends.
Never forget the time they dragged you home on the 29 bus at 4am whilst you repeatedly smashed the palm of your hand into their face, screeching ‘I can walk on my own. FUCK OFF.’

2. Thou shalt remember thy friend’s birthday.
If not, at least try to feel bad whilst offering lame excuses about how you will bring the ‘totally awesome gift’ you bought ‘next time’ when you have actually spent the money on a bag of weed and a limited edition DVD of ‘High Fidelity’.

3.Thou shalt forget about loans of under £5.
Don’t loudly remind your friend about the money in Costcutter because you cannot afford a pack of Marlboro lights AND an ironic ‘naked lady’ novelty lighter. That’s not cool.

4. Thou shalt be supportive of thy friend’s decisions.

5. But thou shalt also be honest when those decisions are totally retarded.

6. Thou shalt place thy friends in appropriate positions in thy top friends.
If your friend has given you a kidney or saved you from a burning building, said friend should at least be in top four/ above dirty dirty dancing (because you were on it once) and Sinden (because he smiled awkwardly at you when you thrust your mixtape into his hands at Fabric slurring ‘I’m gonna be huge’.)

Best friends should be at least top two.

7. Thou shalt keep thy friends’ secrets.
Remember what an asshole you felt like when your coked out flatmate asked your best friend how her abortion went? Don’t do it.

8. Thou shalt tell thy closest friends they love them on a regular basis.
Even if it is a ❤ at the end of a text because you are emotionally stunted.

9. Thou shalt not be precious about sharing the same cigarette/bottle of booze.
Because you’re not 12.