(somethin about dose teef)
Yesterday I was watching The Hits (a habit left over from the povo days when I only had Freeview) and that new Madonna song came on.
It’s basically just her prancing about in a leotard. It’s the ‘Hung Up’ video in black and white. Even so. God Bless Madonna. She’s still chasing ‘sexy’ after menopause, the second kid and during an age where we all felt like qualified gynecologists after OK magazine started detailing every orifice of Britney’s vagina in snatch shot ‘exclusives’.
(You make me sick, bitch)
Then a Fergie video came on. I’ve only seen one Fergie video, ‘London Bridge’, a song even she admittedly, doesn’t know what the hell is about. And it was a darkly lit video. So until I saw ‘Fergilicious’ (Jesus Christ) I didn’t ACTUALLY realise how much she looks like a piece of wrinkly, leathery beef jerky. It was nauseating. The harder she tried to be sexy, the more nauseating it became. Imagine watching two dogs going at it but without the comedy value.
So here is my theory; is Madonna sexier than Fergie? All signs are pointing to ‘fuck yeah’. Fergie’s 33 and Madonna is 49. That’s pretty bleak. She’s freakin’ old. And this is all a complicated way of posing the question; will Madonna be a legitimate ‘pop princess’ forever? Will I turn on my TV in 2020 and find her doing things to a Zimmer Frame that instantly make me ashamed of my own inflexibility? Will I forever envy an OAP’s thigh muscles?