The Credit Crunch for retards; unedited.

(Because attention and narcissistic self praise make me hard.)

So, the credit crunch basically started when a load of American banks decided to give loans and mortgages to every crackwhore and ranting crazy with a business suit and a dream. These people clearly could not afford to pay the banks back…or they were dead, and the 8 ball and 12 pairs of stripper heels they left behind certainly weren’t going to be enough to cover the repayments. So the banks raised the rates on customers who could pay, until people started losing their houses. Eventually it got to the point where their banks were broke too. And that fucked us over, because we borrow from their banks.

To make it easier, just imagine (playing an American bank) your rich friend, (who you are also fucking, but you’re not dating because neither of you want to put a label on your relationship you’re only 23) got cut off by his parents again because Goldsmiths has a totally retarded ‘no smoking crack on the premises’ policy even though he was actually being ironic. Who are you (the British bank) supposed to borrow money from now? God forbid you get a job. Being a ‘freelance photographer/stylist’ takes up most of your free time. So you ask your parents. And in this scenario, your parents represent the Government.

The Government is basically in the process of bailing out the larger banks, like Natwest and Barclays (the smaller banks like Northern Rock have gone under). And so, because the Government is bailing out the banks, they’ve had to up taxes on everything. That’s why you had to pay £3 more for your high waisted shiny AA leggings and £56 a week more on your rent.

Really though, unless you have kids and a mortgage, the credit crunch probably won’t affect you that much. Maybe you’ll have to choose your club nights a little more carefully, or you won’t be able to go nuts in Primark every week, but you won’t die.

And that’s the credit crunch in a nutshell.

(Read the edited version here. Then tell me you’ll always love me.)

(Also here guyz)