This has been lurking about on my myspace forever (’06? ’07? Anyway). One of my favourite musicians told me it was ‘quite amusing’. High praise.
The Hipster Guide to starting a blog
First of all, congratulations. If you’ve been to Koko three times, seen Hadouken! live and thought about taking Ketamine you’re more than qualified to start a blog. The whole world is dying to read about your exciting exploits and look at all the pictures of you and your idiot friends gingerly holding Red Stripe cans and throwing vague gang signs that make you look as if you have crippling arthritis. Here are some incredibly simple dos and donts;
DO have idiot friends
Preferably ones who are willing to take their clothes off/kiss each other/sit on the ground outside. You will also need one black friend, so that you can say nigga on your blog without people calling you a racist.
DO casually mention obscure bands and places and drop at least 4 in jokes per sentence. If your blog doesn’t read like this ‘omg me and the sweet were at baby’s house listening to the cold war kids and dolphinhead jumped the glass bowl AGAIN. LOL’ then you’re doing it wrong.
DO make awkward, ham fisted political comments. From an actual blog, ‘the war in iraq is so stupid and pointless. bush sux’. If anyone calls you a mongoloid, or something equally hurtful, just say you were being ironic.
DON’T forget to pose. If you’re a girl, you need at least 4 suggestive pictures of yourself on your blog or else it won’t work. Consider the following poses: you kissing a girlfriend, you in a bra and scanties, you lying on a bed peering lustily at the camera from under a sheet. Be aggressively slutty, I will say it again, or the shit won’t WORK. Boys need a picture of themselves jumping in the air or off a bench or something. This is also a good time to get the black friend involved. Tie a bandana over your face (think Mos Def on the cover of ‘The New Danger‘) and get him to stand by you while you preen and try out retard versions of that thing Crips do with their fingers. Chances are he will look vaguely disgusted at this point, much like everyone around you (barring the guy taking the picture squealing ‘profile pic!’) so just write a caption like ‘there was no fried chicken at the Barfly LOL’.
DO link to the blog that inspired you to write your own, your facebook, your ‘photography site’, ‘the myspazz’ and your last FM, your second last FM that you made because the old one had too many Arctic Monkeys song plays on it, pitchfork media, stereogum and like, the Lordi official site, for some ho-larious ironic juxtaposition. You like things that are uncool! Tres original.
DO start your blog entries with song lyrics from your favourite bands. Occasionally go on lyrics360 and look up a rap lyric. The line ‘bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks’ will go nicely with your recollection about going to London dungeon, taking polaroids of yourselves leaping around in front of things and asking the dude who plays Jack The Ripper if he gets ‘like, laid all the time’ until he hisses for you to fuck off.
DON’T forget to whore your blog on myspace, nerve, on pub walls, to your friends, to your colleagues, to anyone who will listen to someone wearing a pre-faded pink Dream Theater t-shirt without trying to gun them down in the street. The world NEEDS to know about the time you went to see Modest Mouse, got wasted on Appletini and had someone write ‘IT TASTES GOOD GOING DOWN’ on your forehead when you passed out on a park bench with your legs spread. Remember, you have a rad life and everyone is totally interested in hearing all about it.