TBF guyz

-Why I didn’t approve your comment

I monitor my comments. No shame in it, everyone does it etc etc. There are three types of comments I won’t approve; spam that got through the filter, non-sensical jibberish and of course, pathetically effusive comments from lonely web trawlers (unless they are poorly spelt and hilarious. Those can stay.) On almost every blog written by anything female you will find a smattering of these comments, desperately praising the author as if she were Jane Austen, Dorothy Parker and Tina Fey rolled into one (possibly?!) sexy package. Apparently even a ratty, moth-eaten excuse for a sense of humour cobbled together from other peoples’ blogs, episodes of South Park, offensively unfunny double entendres and a liberal sprinkling of ‘edgy’ one liners can make you a star on the internet, provided you have a vagina. Le mot juste. Probably because the authors of said comments are usually the type to skim a paragraph, rather than actually reading it, noting several supposedly amusing phrases, like a baby registering bright colours.

If you have ever done this on a blog that wasn’t genuinely funny, here is a tip that you must carry with you always ; SHE WON’T FUCK YOU.

”gyal you are too funny!” deleted

”funnyest thing ever” deleted

”LOL” deleted

”LINK 4 LINK?” deleted

By nonsensical gibberish I mean, trying to goad me into an argument on the internet, asking me to write for your blog that is just a blue layout with ‘JOKEZ’ as the headline or written in slang that is so confusing, so illigible that Cthulhu himself would have thrown up his flippers in disgust.

(Comments I do like are genuine feedback, well thought out insults and death threats, your opinions. All of these things are awesome)

Got quoted in the Guardian’s letters and blogs feature here. I lubz it because they picked the worst excerpt and I sound like a tool.

7 thoughts on “TBF guyz

  1. YES. So much this. My blog is the shittest thing on the internet, and I still have cunts praising it. I want abuse. I fucking need it, yet I get a ‘LOLZ funny’ instead. I’ve learnt to go with it. This is just the online equivalent of a 15 year old drooling at your tits in a kebab shop, saying your choong then asking for your digitz.

  2. In hindsight i really wish i’d have pretended to be a chick on my blog. Not even for the sycophantic comments but because i could solicit offers of sex from losers and then expose their cock pix/horny emails/cyber sex IM sessions.

  3. well, your blog is actually funny. so the illiterate cretins would probably steer clear anyway.

  4. Ha ha! I occasionally get comments from girls saying they want to marry me…in fact I’m sure your first one on my blog was something along those lines… I never actually know what to say to them, either. I have to find the middleground between flattered acceptance and getting my face kicked in by Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer.

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