The Nanny

Welcome to hell. After 9 hours of having the shit kicked out of you by an irate toddler, re-watching High School Musical 3 and pushing around an obese child in a stroller meant for someone half his size because ‘Sherborn doesn’t really like walking’, you will feel like your soul is rotting away. You love children but you hate being talked down to by their parents and ostracized by your peers. This is your job. You are a nanny.

There are the three things that will make your job unbearable;

Their mother; The father is usually a broken professional, who uses his home as a place to eat and change clothes before he goes out to work or to fuck Greta from HR. He is gratified to see that the children like you and that you haven’t committed any major faux pas like refusing to feed them or locking them in the conservatory so you can watch re-runs of The O.C. He doesn’t quite respect you, but he sees that you are doing a job and will pretty much leave you alone. The mother, however, is a completely different story. Despite the fact that it is her husband’s money paying your salary, she is going to take it upon herself to make damn sure you earn it. Within your first 2 days in her employ she will start asking you to do ridiculous things, like walking across London to pick up a bottle of Yak’s milk from ‘a darling little organic delicatessen’ she read about in Vogue, with one of her kids strapped to your back and without being late to pick up little Danforth from his Suzuki lesson. By this point you will be too worn down to even bat a fucking eyelash.

You must also remember she is SMARTER than you are. Not that you are ever likely to forget as she will insist on talking to you as if you had Downs syndrome. It will be hard to concentrate on her and not rolling your eyes as she explains for the third time that ‘Rainflower-likes-her-rice-milk-slightly-HEATED’. She will call you constantly because she has no real friends or life or job, but is somehow far too busy to do any of the things you are paid for. She is emaciated to the point of looking pre-pubescent and has had Botox several times so her face no longer expresses any emotion, except of course rage at finding out that you failed to pick up her dry cleaning.

You will hate her. This is almost inevitable.

So we’ve covered the mother and her obsessive tendency to treat you like some kind of female Kunte Kinte, but there are 2 other reasons why Nannying can suck festering goat ass. The second is;

The other nannies; As it will be impressed upon you that you should be at the school gates at least half an hour before your employers’ child is due to leave, you will spend a lot of time with these people. Go to the playground of any prep school in the world and look for the emaciated women with Ugg boots, knock-off Chanel bags and well manicured talons clutching pre opened juice-boxes in disdain. These are the ladies you will be rolling with for the next six months. 40% of them will HATE you. They will hate you because they hate their jobs and are only Nannying in hopes of having a discreet, financially rewarding affair with one of the fathers. And they will hate you because you genuinely enjoy working with children. 20% will barely be able to understand you. You will work though the language barriers by gesturing wildly and occasionally saying things REALLY LOUDLY, as if volume transcends understanding. The rest of them will make your life incredibly difficult. If the kid has a screaming fit because you forgot the portable DVD player to watch on the five minute walk home, smirks abound. It is the joy of schadenfreude. Everyone wants to see someone worse off than themselves. Get ready for a lot of snide comments.

The third reason is; the hours

3 hours chasing after a child, who thinks hiding silently behind a tree in the park while you run around hysterically screaming for them to ‘please come out’ (clutching your phone, with ‘999′ already dialed) is a huge laugh. ‘Nuff said.

The awesome things are, the pay, kids are generally pretty cool, bonuses. And if you’ve just been cut off by your parents or need part time work, its definitely one of the better options.

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