Eurovision ’09; Doubts your commitment to Sparkle Motion

I ❤ Eurovision. It always boasts such a rich and varied cavalcade of freaks. Nowhere else will you find a singing contest with sexually confused male dancers, botched transvestite faces, handle bar moustaches and hot, barely clothed women simulating intercourse in front of children. It’s amazing.

This year was still good, even though my beloved Wogan gave up on presenting it and Graham Norton is but a mere (albeit bitchy) shadow.

At first I wanted Germany to win because I like Dita Von Teese and I liked the big band element of the song and I really liked the idea of having a vaguely cool Eurovision winner as opposed to the usual douchebag in a ‘hilarious’ costume or prostitute cum (no pun intended) singer, wearing a piece of sparkly fabric that barely covers her minge. Alas Germany scored in the bottom 5 and the cameraman didn’t even have the good sense to film Dita’s striptease, which, I honest to God, believe would have won it for them. Cunt.

Sweden had a wailing bit of leather in a wedding dress. Tan almost to the point of racial slur.

Malta‘s entry looked a bit like Nikki Blonsky in 20 years time and Portugal’s entry looked a bit like a young Nikki Blonsky if Nikki Blonsky gave a drag queen make-up artist free reign on her face.

Estonia’s entry was stunning and Romania’s back-up dancers looked like how I always imagined Veela.

Everyone was ripping the piss out of Finland because of their awkward ‘Eminem with Downs’ lead rapper and his weird accent, but you know what? They’re still more musically credible than N-Dubz.

Albania‘s entry looked kind of like something you might see rolling around on a desert floor, out of your mind on Peyote.

Ukraine was awesome. The boots and the dance routine, fierce. And I HATE saying ‘fierce’.

Norway was a little dickhead, fuck him. He got a bunch of votes from all over Europe, since the majority of all callers seemed to have been 14 year old halfwits or lonely menopausal women, who still can’t decide whether they want to mother him or fuck him. He won with the most votes in Eurovision history ever. That’s insane to me.

Ahhh and then we had Jade. An entry who could not have been more perfect if she was created in a test tube. A second rate Leona Lewis, she’s pretty, modest, demure, a decent singer and judging by the assertions of Graham Norton (”they’ll give us votes, they like her here”), has apparently toured all the countries of the earth. I had heard like, a minute of the song beforehand on Radio 2, deciding that, unfortunately, it was almost bland enough to be a Corinne Bailey Rae b-side. It was only until I saw and heard the whole performance at Eurovision that I realised the UK was not playing around.

It was an almost flawless calculation, a song written by one of the most successful songwriters of all time, composed by one of the greatest living composers in the world (who also accompanied her on stage) and sung by a woman the BBC have been aggressively lauding as the next Jesus. We had the violinists, the smoke machines, the sweeping camera angles, Jade herself was a dripping-in-diamonds vision…seriously, anyone who can watch that video without feeling goosebumps doesn’t have a soul. It was a pretty good moment for us.

And yes, despite that almost herculean effort we got beat out by a man boy in an ill fitting waistcoat with a song that sounds like a jingle for toilet bleach, that’s because the rest of Europe hates us. But the fact is, for once our entry was so good that they had no choice but to acknowledge us in voting. It was easy to pass over Javine (that horrible, skanky bitch) or Daz Sampson, a fully grown man who should have known better than to rap about being at school (and whos spasmodic hand gestures were so frequent I genuinely thought the bright lights were giving him seizures) because they were shit. Even we didn’t like them. This year our entry was someone who had to be taken seriously and really I hope its a recurring ideal. We’ve come a long way, baby.

On Poland;

Ash /|\: Poland better give us 12

Ash /|\:  after all the fucking jobs we give them

On Russia;

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says; Oh you didn’t comment on Russia’s entry, which was a pretty big “fuck it”

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says: They got this girl and dressed her in a shower curtain and then made her such a dull song she literally cried

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says: and then filmed her crying

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says: and then showed it to the entire world

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says: As if to say

My devil makes me dream like no other mortal dreams. says: “See? See how shit she is?! She’s crying! Fuck her! Crybaby!”

Amy oh gosh.says: XD

(Video for ppl to lazy to click the link)


4 thoughts on “Eurovision ’09; Doubts your commitment to Sparkle Motion

  1. I just thought Germany had hired some fifth rate burlesque hack to do her thing when i overheard somebody chuckling about Dita Von Teese being on eurovision in the lunchtime queue at Tesco yesterday.

    • the massive banner saying ‘DITA VON TEESE’ and Mr sassyfuhrer announcing her in the middle of his song didn’t give it away?

  2. I didn’t actually see it, i just overheard the geeks talking about it and thought they were being sarcastic.

  3. Pingback: I Woz ‘Ere, TBH. « Its like, yeah motherfucker.

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