Bullshit Music; Or ‘The Reason My Mind Will Waste And Decay Long Before My Body Does’

My music tastes are a double edged sword. An ex-aspiring music wanker, I used to spend a lot of my time, pouring over Discobelle and trawling Hypem in search of some super rare edit of a song that only five people had ever heard anyway. Five people, including the people who made it. My friends and I used to pass around MP3s like, ‘check out the remix of the remix of that Danger track I sent you! Kid Rolex is on this one!’ (Obsessing about anything is essentially, a loser’s pastime.) I once spent 3 weeks and a great deal of money trying to track down the first ATOC compilation ever made. I seriously considered starting a ‘discussion board’ for now defunct pop punk band ‘The Capes’ . Do you still sometimes feel bad that Disco D died? I do.

But I also loooove listening to what most people would generally agree is total crap, the soundtracks to basically any Disney movie ever, saccharine tween ballads and the kind of terrible 90s children’s pop that time has tried desperately to erase. Typing ‘Britney Spears’ into my iTunes yields 112 results and I do not have duplicates. I know all the words to ‘Potential Break-Up Song‘. I have THREE tracks off Paris Hilton’s album, all of which I listen to on a regular basis. It has been suggested that there is something wrong with me, like maybe a horse kicked me in the head when I was a baby and this was the end result. It has been suggested that I listen to ‘bullshit music’.

Here are some examples of the kind of ‘bullshit music’ that I positively adore despite all logical reasoning;

Butterfly-Crazy Town

COME MY LADY COME COME MY LADY, YOU’RE MY BUTTERFLY/SUGAR/BAYBAY

Sakura Saku-??!

When I was 12, my best friend at the time got really into watching Sailor Moon on Fox Kids and so I decided I was also really into Anime and Manga because I was retarded. For about 3 months, we ran around calling ourselves ‘otaku’ and ‘kawaii’ and watching really crappy shows like Oh! My Goddess. My love of this weird ass song is one of the only lasting reminders of that period, because I soon realised that Anime was pretty lame and so was my ‘best friend’, the first attention whore I ever had dealings with. Anyway, I eventually grew out of it and made new friends and she became ‘that one girl’ who wore t-shirts that said things like ‘YOU LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I’M DIFFERENT I LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL THE SAME’ and spent most breaks ‘cutting herself’ with a protractor.

The Thong Song-Sisqo

Oh I’m sorry I forgot the title was ‘bullshit music’ not ‘the most awesome songs to have ever been bestowed upon the human race’.

He Said, She Said-Ashley Tisdale

Ashley Tisdale is pretty much known for A) playing Sharpay from High School Musical and B) being the only female artist on Hollywood Records, who isn’t also a massive whore. Seriously. Those girls may not be book smart, but I would bet huge sums of money that their collective skills in penile mastery are second to none. During sex, a motherfucker have to hold onto the sides to keep from falling in. Bitches carry knee pads in their purses.

Slam Dunk Da Funk-5ive

I had such a crush on Richie. You know, the diluted Hugh Grant type, with his ridiculous floppy haircut like a lesbian at Junior Prom. Yeah, basically anything by 5ive is some kind of amazing. Speaking of awesome boy bands, does anyone remember LFO? The ones who liked girls who wore Abercrombie and Fitch? That song still makes me so angry. Even as a child I knew that it was an awful piece of shit.

New Direction- S Club Juniors

Fuck off, ya’ll DUN know about S Club Juniors. You’re not a true 90s kid unless you were seethingly jealous of these assholes.

I refuse to believe I’m the only person who enjoys listening to crap once in a while (every day). Right?! Guyz?!

20 thoughts on “Bullshit Music; Or ‘The Reason My Mind Will Waste And Decay Long Before My Body Does’

  1. Paris Hilton’s album was disappointing. Da streetz was waitin’ on some sultry futuristic pop a la Some Girls by Rachel Stevens but Paris gave us a bunch of UB40 b sides.

    This post needs Out Of Your Mind by Victoria Beckham & Dane Bowers (the autotune revival started there), Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit and One Word by Kelly Osbourne.

  2. Limp Bizkit and Kelly Osbourne are just the worst. That cover of ‘Papa don’t preach’ was physically painful to listen to.

    I like ‘Outta My Head’! I’d never heard it before. But yeah, you couldn’t even finesse the issue if someone found it on your iPod.

  3. I can’t find the video on Youtube, but my favourite bad song is “Fever For Tha Flava” by Hot Action Cop. If you acknowledge to yourself that it’s a real song, it sort of makes you want to cry, but if you think of it as a Chris Morris style parody, it becomes genius. The lyrics are as follows:

    Do you think that I can get some jiggy jiggy
    Maybe gets a little finger sticky sticky
    You my electrical lip balm flavor
    I gotta do ya until the next song saves ya
    And can I get a little zip zip lookie lookie
    Maybe just a little uh uh nookie nookie
    Hey what you say, it doesn’t matter anyway
    You won’t do another ’cause you’re getting with me

    She got the power of the hootchie
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    And did I mention, hey pay attention
    Gonna take that bootie to the nudie dimension
    I got the green glow under my car
    I got the boom boom system you can hear real far

    [Chorus]
    Oh hey hey hey hey hey hey oh pretty pretty shy whoap
    Oh hey hey hey hey hey hey oh pretty pretty fly whoap
    What do I have to say to get inside girl what do I have to say

    Can I get a little yum, yum kitty kitty
    Just a little sumthin sumthin itty bitty
    Do you wanna get triple x groovy?
    Gimme gimme some of that kinda movie
    And let me spin ya like a record wicky wicky
    Let me get you butt naked licky licky
    Here we go yo here’s the scenario
    Gonna strip you down like a car in the barrio

    Ya got the power of the hootchie
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    I’m your lovey dovey bedtime player
    Call me the super sexy boogie man slayer
    I got the green glow under my car
    I got the boom boom system you can hear real far

    [Repeat Chorus]
    I got the fever for the flavor of a cootchie
    Yo hey ma yo hey ma yo hey mamama hootchie
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    Yo hey ma yo hey ma yo hey mamama hootchie
    Whoap Whoap Go!
    Do you think that I can get some jiggy jiggy
    Maybe gets a little finger sticky sticky
    You wanna suck it like a bong hit – Wacky!
    You gotta be my First Lady -Jackie!

    She got the power of the hootchie
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    Let’s party hardy and rock n’ roll
    We drink Bacardi and smoke a bowl
    I got the green glow under my car
    I got the boom boom system you can hear real far

    [Repeat Chorus]
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    Yo hey ma yo hey ma yo hey mamama hootchie
    I got the fever for the flavor of the cootchie
    Yo hey ma yo hey ma yo hey mamama hootchie
    Whoap Whoap Go!

    I have yet to offer to take someone’s “booty to da nudey dimension”, but one day I will.

  4. Celeste was incredibly fit and is probably a bonafide 10 nowadays.

    Daphne was kinda weird, though. She looked like Hannah Martin from Neighbours yet sounded like and had the demeanor of Victoria Gotti.

    • she looked difficult. to quote the king.com comment section, ”she got that ‘make a motherfucker get a 3rd strike look’ ”

  5. Indeed she does.

    Some more :

    Billie – Honey To The Bee (best single of the 90s? Okay, maybe it’s not as good as No Diggity but then what is?)

    Hadaway – What Is Love? (shout out to when this was used in the Life Of Brian episode of My So Called Life)

    Linkin Park – Breaking The Habit (best song ever to take introspective bubblebaths to)

    Fall Out Boy – Dance, Dance (if this had been made by a band featuring an ex member of Quicksand or Texas Is The Reason or whoever, motherfuckers would stop fronting like this isn’t the best single made by white people in the past 5 years)

    Lady Sovereign – Cha-Ching (this is the only song my mate’s daughter ever listens to and she made us play it about 100 times in a row at her birfday party a few months back)

    • shut the fuck up, you watched my so called life?!? i shelled out a good £50 on the boxset last year. not even sorry. my love of jared leto will never leave me.

      I have honey to the bee, dance dance and breaking the habit, but you’ll find that the discerning lady sovereign fan prefers ‘love me or hate me’.

      do you remember b*witched? C’est la vie? Also E17, who did that miserable song with Gabrielle?

      And of course

  6. I probably like Random more than Cha-Ching but if i hear the latter i have it stuck in my head for days afterwards.

    Been a fan of My So Called Life since way back and i own the boxset too. Some people look to the bible or Buddha for meaning in life but i prefer to marinate on Jordan C’s philosphy of “Whatever happens…happens”. Shit is deep.

    C’est La Vie is a stellar choice. Rollercoaster was the shit too.

    We’re gonna have to mention Shampoo here.

  7. Side note : i never knew Disco D was a real person with a discography beyond City Of Gods by AZ (tune!) and that 50 track.

  8. Motherfucker couldn’t even read.

    Shampoo=hellz yeah. They were hot too. An esoteric choice, but do you remember Jordan Knight? that dude from new kids on the block who had one good song ‘give it to you’?

    I know you remember this

  9. I actually don’t remember that one.

    I do remember Give It To You, though (particularly his white turtleneck in the vid), and Jordan’s stint on The Surreal Life.

    I always liked Hangin’ Tough now i come to think about it. Someone should rap over the instrumental of that.

    If this was a Bobby Brown solo song it’d be the greatest achievement in the history of mankind but since it’s Ja Rule ft. Bobby Brown it remains a flawed masterpiece :

    • everything ja rule touches turns to shit.

      simply because i hate nelly and i think he is a douche but i LOVE this song

  10. Pingback: Bullshit Music (Part 2); Holy Fuck There’s A Lot Of It « Its like, yeah motherfucker.

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