Bullshit Music (Part 2); Holy Fuck There’s A Lot Of It

(If this song does not stir something deep within the depths of your soul then you don’t have one. Sorry just how it is)

In the comments section of my original post I got to cataloging other bands and songs everyone involved seems to be desperately ashamed of. Because us children of the 80s and 90s are narcisstic navel gazers there were a few. Is there a better pastime than pointless nostalgia?  So here are the best of another (supposedly) bad bunch.

‘V’ is a fan of Ashlee Simpson’s ‘Outta Ma Head’ (although she claims ”I have to ‘Anne Frank’ these kinds of tunes on my iPod”) which I actually liked a lot when I first heard it. And then I listened to it again and I realized its the worst thing to come out of music since Paul McCartney noticed Stevie Wonder was black (and at least that was unintentionally hilarious) . Fuck Ashlee Simpson. The name alone was a dead giveaway that we should have ignored the bitch until she simply faded from existence altogether.

Trashforce Reaper directed me to this…..gem. (”I can’t find the video on Youtube, but my favourite bad song is “Fever For Tha Flava” by Hot Action Cop. If you acknowledge to yourself that it’s a real song, it sort of makes you want to cry, but if you think of it as a Chris Morris style parody, it becomes genius.”) The lyrics are here. They really are fantastically awful. Like the kind of thing a band at a club on ‘the bad side of town’, in a Made-for-TV movie might play. ”A+ Student to Delinquent Prostitute; The Jennifer Olsen story’. They make LFO sound like Rhodes Scholars. Naturally I’m in love.

The Martorialist reminded me about Linkin Park’s Breakin’ The Habit (”best song ever to take introspective bubblebaths to”) but I don’t know if Linkin Park count as crap. Did they snatch back some semblance of credibility when they did that thing with Jay-Z? Or are they still just as lame as they ever were? I remember when I was 12 and angry at humanity for the many injustices suffered in my first world, middle class day to day existence, that they were a pretty righteous soundtrack for drawing on my bedroom walls and committing other bad a$$ ‘anarchic’ acts of vandalism. But the second I grew out of it and stopped being such a massive douche, ‘CRAWLING IN MY SKIN’ just didn’t have the same appeal.

The Martorialist also extolled the virtues of Billie Piper’s Honey To The Bee (”best single of the 90s? Okay, maybe it’s not as good as No Diggity but then what is?”), Fall Out Boy’s Dance Dance (”if this had been made by a band featuring an ex member of Quicksand or Texas Is The Reason or whoever, motherfuckers would stop fronting like this isn’t the best single made by white people in the past 5 years”) and Daphne & Celeste, the poor daft bitches.

The Imaginary Reviewer gave me the name of probably the funniest, most surreal song up here (”Favourite bad song…the main one that comes to mind is pure shite, and you’ll probably have to YouTube it. It’s called “Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me” by a Thai singer called Tata Young. It was really popular in Japan when I lived there and for some reason it really grabbed me, despite being pure abortion, music-wise. The singer herself is actually about as sexy as a pile of half eaten black puddings.”)

Tuvshin likes Sandstorm by Darude (”I kinda hate everything Sandstorm represents. Eurofags. Tank tops. Fake tan. Gelled hair and muscular men”). I bum this song because it takes me back to my shameful…raving days. Tuvshin also feels that Islands in the Stream by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers is ‘just a really good song’. Whatever.

Ash thinks that Bodies by Drowning Pool is ‘fun in a very shit way’ and that Simply Red as ‘are an incredibly guilty ginger pleasure’.

Aviva from the awesome everythingisannoying.com says ‘Trapped in the Closet obvy!’. Which was R Kelly’s greatest work as far as I am concerned.

Jamie Taete of the brilliant Princessfaces! says ‘when im listening to lady gaga i have my finger on next in case i see someone i know’. ‘Paparazzi’ is one of my favourite videos ever and Lady Gaga gives me a hard-on, no fake, no fake.

Does anyone remember Dream?! Three points that must be made 1) they were signed to Bad Boy Records (Cain’t stop. Won’t stop) so at least one of these girls has had uh…relations with P Diddy blates 2) its so weird to see girls in videos from the 90s shuffling about in baggy rubber trousers and shirts with ‘sassy’ slogans on them, because nowadays our pop singers dress in vintage and couture. Even our video hos wear La Perla and 3) This song was fucking AWESOME and I wonder what happened to Dream and why they didn’t really make it. Also, there was not much diversity in their group which is something else you don’t really see nowadays. Although that one girl looks vaguely Hispanic.

If you want to add to my list of terrible but enjoyable music please do so.

8 thoughts on “Bullshit Music (Part 2); Holy Fuck There’s A Lot Of It

  1. The other week I was trapped in a car for five hours with someone who had the worst taste in music ever. One of the tracks he played was one I’d purposely thrown to the back of my memory: a remix/cover of “Kung Fu Fighting” by a terrible band called “Bus Stop” and featuring the original singer. Basically, they put a beat behind the original and added a couple of shit raps done by some skinhead in a button-down Ben Sherman. God, it was absolutely fucking awful.

    Holy Shit…I just looked up “Bus Stop” on Wikipedia and apparently the skinhead in the button-down Ben Sherman represented England in the 2006 Eurovision. Fuck me, I’m glad I left the country in 2004.

    • in hysterics. do you mean daz sampson? such a spectacular failure. people here were rooting for him to fail out of spite. he rapped about being in school, yet is at LEAST 32. what is your favourite bad song?

  2. Yeah, that’s the guy. Actually, you brought back some memory I had, which must have been of him…there was a photo of him surrounded by models in schoolgirl outfits on the Internet and I was like “Oh God, it’s another Johnathon King waiting to happen”

    Favourite bad song…the main one that comes to mind is pure shite, and you’ll probably have to YouTube it. It’s called “Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me” by a Thai singer called Tata Young. It was really popular in Japan when I lived there and for some reason it really grabbed me, despite being pure abortion, music-wise. The singer herself is actually about as sexy as a pile of half eaten black puddings.

  3. Daz Sampson’s double-denim combo was incredible.

    “Did they snatch back some semblance of credibility when they did that thing with Jay-Z?”

    They did not and that was pretty much the beginning of the end for Jay, although rappers do notoriously have the worst taste in rawk ever (see : the plethora of rappers who salivate over dullards like U2, Coldplay and Maroon 5).

    Simply Red is a stellar choice. Anyone who doesn’t get down to Money To Tight To Mention or Holding Back The Years at least once a month doesn’t deserve to share oxygen with those of us who inhabit loftier musical plains.

    2 more offerings :

    Hilary Duff – Stranger (i was once getting down to this on my headphones taking a piss in a supermarket toilet when some middle aged bloke walked in and gave me an incredibly dirty look)

    Scatman John – Scatman (lol he has a moustache and makes funny noises and tries to rap over some gay trance and when he sez “i’m the scatman” in that sinister voice it’s funny ’cause scat is German for shit but that be-bah-bah-ah-bo refrain was catchy as fuck, wasn’t it?)

    • Hilary Duff can suck my dick. I like her but she is so bland. She needs to do porn or a Christian rock album. Also for some reason ‘Scatman’ makes me feel a bit sick. Maybe I’ve been on the internet for too long.

  4. ‘claims to…’ ? As far as I’m concerned that song was also released posthumously.

    This is definitely not a secret like, but the mention of failed children’s tv bands (cleopatra, sclub juniors) reminded me of this atrocity:

    Also, a forgotten classic and one I’d proudly parade in front of visiting Nazi officials:

  5. YES. I remember man not a boy!!!!!!!!!! I LOVED that song. Of course ‘Saturday Night’ was a choon, now and forever, fuck anyone who is ashamed of it. I was reminded of the quite frankly genius track ‘Bodyshaking’ by 911. I vaguely remember learning how to do the dance from the chorus.

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