”no YOUR a bitch becky!”

On training regimes;

Ash /|\ says: I begin my summer slimming super session tomorrow

Amy oh gosh. says: what why where and who

Ash /|\ says: gym every week day, no crisps or any of that shit

Ash /|\says: this is some christian-bale-training-for-batman type shit right here

Amy oh gosh. says: christian bale would have a sit down with you and say ‘look man. you need to…cool it. you’re gonna kill yourself out there.’

Ash /|\ says: haile gebrselassie will tell me to ‘crank it down a notch’ on the treadmill

Amy oh gosh. says: all the actors in the expendables are trying to follow your training regime and all are having trouble

Ash /|\ says: arnie said I reminded him of a 1988 Mr. Olympia era

Amy oh gosh. says: in two months time you will be able to deadlift a pikey caravan with a family of six still inside. councils will desperately seek your services

Ash /|\ says: MPs will be putting me on their expenses as I can carry at least three to the Commons each morning

Amy oh gosh. says: imagined a giant man carrying a giggling david miliband

Ash /|\ says: thats the dream

On testostorific world leaders;

Amy oh gosh. says: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8137506.stm raw manliness right there

Ash /|\ says: what a mighty good man

Amy oh gosh. says: putin shook his wife’s hand and then she was pregnant

On subtlety in romance;

Ash /|\ says: if I arrange for me and her to go for coffee, I can pretend its a date

Ash /|\ says: a recorded date talking about her band

Amy oh gosh. says: ”so….does your band like back rubs?”

Ash /|\ says: so I see you’re influenced by nine inch nails…what else do you like that is nine inches

Ash /|\ says: minus six inches

Amy oh gosh. says: 😄

Amy oh gosh. says: that will almost certainly work

On industrious summer days;

Amy oh gosh. says: i’ve been watching Futurama

Ash /|\ says: ive been watching the cricket

Ash /|\ says: so very productive days for us

Amy oh gosh.says: i feel like i have achieved something by getting out of bed tbh

On disgusting relationships;

Amy oh gosh. says: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1196900/Hands-son-Suddenly-hes-hunky-17-year-old-man-eating-friends-start-flirting-him.html

Amy oh gosh. says: i cannot believe how obvious it is that the mum wants to fuck him

Amy oh gosh. says: she called him ‘god like’

Ash /|\ says: he does look like a sexual adonis tbf

Amy oh gosh. says: he looks like a lesbian at an improv night

On telling war stories;

Ash /|\ says: so heres me thinking im the dogs bollocks, the champ

Amy oh gosh. says: you weren’t the dogs bollocks or the champ were you

Ash /|\ says: I most certainly was not.

On ‘pretentious shite’;

Ash /|\ says: have you seen the tracklisting to the new Muse

Amy oh gosh. says: no

Ash /|\ says: it looks like the most pretentious load of shite this side of kele okereke

Ash /|\ says: 1. Uprising 2. Resistance 3. Undisclosed Desires 4. Uninted States Of Eurasia (+ Collateral Damage) 5. Guilding Light 6. Unnatural Selection 7. MK ULTRA 8. I Belong to You (+ Mon Coeur S’Ouvre A Ta Voix) 9. Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 (Overture) 10. Exogenesis: Symphony Part 2 (Cross Pollination) 11. Exogenesis: Symphony Part 3 (Redemption)

Amy oh gosh. says: it looks like a mars volta album

Amy oh gosh. says: if Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 (Overture) doesn’t feature a deaf man moaning and playing the tambourine i will eat my hat

(I wrote about my horrible crippling fear of the outside world on Platform, read it, okay wow!)

(Also, I wrote about Twilight for Heckler Spray OMG srs?! Srs!)

2 thoughts on “”no YOUR a bitch becky!”

  1. Genuine L-O-fucking-L at some of those titles.

    It’s a testament to just how staggeringly dull that the likes of Keane and Coldplay are that Muse aren’t the bottom lung on the ladder of shitty boring Radiohead rip-off bands

    It’s a good thing The Expendables doesn’t come out until next year ’cause it might’ve be the movie to nudge Bad Boys 2 out of its position as the best action movie of the past decade.

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