During my reflective navel gazing (srs why am i so into nostalgia these days) I also remembered some other shows that I grew up with. When you were a kid, did you ever do that thing where you just sat in front of the TV and watched whatever the fuck was on? And even though in some dim recess of your mind, you realized that the show holding your attention was offensively retarded, it never occurred to you to stop watching it? Yeah. Anyway.
Here are some other ridiculously bad shows I used to watch when I was younger. The fact that I am not dribbling at a bus stop somewhere is a testament to God. I should sue Trouble.
In the interest of science I watched them again to see how they measured up to my memories.
City Guys was about a group of ‘urban youths’ attending an ‘urban high school’ and living on the mean streets of a budget set meant to be New York City. Most weeks it dealt with incredibly serious issues, like being pressured into buying ‘X’ or thinking about talking about maybe having sex. You know. Things we can all relate to. City Guys also has one of the best theme songs of any show ever. I defy you to find another unintentionally hilarious theme song that could top it.
I watched an episode where the main characters ‘experiment’ with alcohol. I’m quite alarmed to see that, despite playing high schoolers, most of the actors must have been pushing 30. One of the guys does a shot and gasps, then hisses ‘Man this stuff’s potent’. I had to pause it so I could laugh for about an hour. After three shots of ‘potent’ tequila, they are declaring undying love to each other and hurling eggs off a balcony. These kids rule! Then they had to ruin it by getting ‘killer’ hangovers and learning things. Bitches.
I’d give it 6/10 because ‘Man this stuff’s potent’.
Hang Time was about this high school basketball team who were uncomfortably close to their coach. I actually waited for the very special episode where one of the ‘fellas’ lays down a sexual harassment suit, but it never came.
I had hoped I wouldn’t be able to find this show because I never really enjoyed it, but alas, youtube failed to fail me yet again. It has the typical hammy acting, terrible wardrobe choices and sets as your standard Aaron Spellingesque teen fare, but it somehow manages to be so much worse. After careful consideration, I have determined the reason its so bad is because the cast aren’t even trying. Its like they knew preemptively that there was no point, that no producers would call to invite them to try out for any blockbusters, that no reviewer from the New Yorker would be critiquing the episode where Danny thought Mary Beth kissed another guy and that the target audience were of the lowest common denominator, slack jawed idiots who would just as happily sit watching a continuous loop of a monkey rolling around in its own filth. Its the mournful glaze in those long since deadened eyes as they woodenly recite their lines, remembering a time so full of promise, back when Drama School was just starting and the future was still dazzlingly bright, that makes Hang Time so shit. Its the same look I imagine a hooker might get upon finding out she had caught HIV from a john. Utter futility.
So I’d say 2/10. 1 for sorrow. 1 for pity.
Sweet Valley High
(Best youtube comment on this video; ”dat shit wa hard nigga. iliked it for the hoes and this song”)
I still know the words to this theme song. The shame. I used to watch SVH because I was really really into the books, which are in all fairness, amazing works of literary achievement (I LOVED Lila Fowler and I will always think of myself as an honorary member of the Unicorn club). Its about these two hot blonde Californian twins, one whos supposedly really sweet and nice and one who’s a massive bitch. Its pretty bad, I don’t need to re-watch to remember that. It was like a more far fetched teen version of Days Of Our Lives but with less comas. However I fully support its return, for nostalgic reasons and because it still inspires delightfully earnest hokum, like the video below;
This show had everything, terrible fake European accents, hot actors in skimpy outfits and no real discernable plot to speak of. It was about a bunch of kids from different countries who attended a school in Paris called ‘The American Academy’ or some shit. Unofficially ‘USA High’. Thomas Magier, the dude who played Christian, was my first celebrity crush. Back then I was able to see past the negligible chin and terrifying Austrian accent and glimpse his soul. And also, his biceps.
Are those guns fully loaded?!
Even USA High’s cancellation wasn’t enough to douse the flames of my adolescent passion. I remember Sugar had a picture of him in their ‘Hot Guys’ feature, which I do believe, I cut out and stuck in the outer pocket of my backpack until one of the nuns on playground duty at my school called me out on it. Call me Thomas. You’re still the one.
10/10 because I still believe we are meant to be together. Somewhere there’s a place for us.
Bonus; because I have ‘Having fun ISN’T HARD, when you’ve got a LIBRARY CARD’ stuck in my head and I don’t see why I should have to fucking suffer alone. Also, Arthur is and was the shit.
I wrote about the Sheila’s Wheels bitches for I don’t care if you wouldn’t I would. I would.