Bullshit Shows or; The Reason I Am So Profoundly Stupid

Awesome artwork from Outpost Daria

I recently wrote about Daria (for Platform), a show I grew up with, which I feel helped mentally mold me into the misanthropic sarcastic mess I am today.

During my reflective navel gazing (srs why am i so into nostalgia these days) I also remembered some other shows that I grew up with. When you were a kid, did you ever do that thing where you just sat in front of the TV and watched whatever the fuck was on? And even though in some dim recess of your mind, you realized that the show holding your attention was offensively retarded, it never occurred to you to stop watching it? Yeah. Anyway.

Here are some other ridiculously bad shows I used to watch when I was younger. The fact that I am not dribbling at a bus stop somewhere is a testament to God. I should sue Trouble.

In the interest of science I watched them again to see how they measured up to my memories.

City Guys

City Guys was about a group of ‘urban youths’ attending an ‘urban high school’ and living on the mean streets of a budget set meant to be New York City. Most weeks it dealt with incredibly serious issues, like being pressured into buying ‘X’ or thinking about talking about maybe having sex. You know. Things we can all relate to. City Guys also has one of the best theme songs of any show ever. I defy you to find another unintentionally hilarious theme song that could top it.

I watched an episode where the main characters ‘experiment’ with alcohol. I’m quite alarmed to see that, despite playing high schoolers, most of the actors must have been pushing 30. One of the guys does a shot and gasps, then hisses ‘Man this stuff’s potent’. I had to pause it so I could laugh for about an hour. After three shots of ‘potent’ tequila, they are declaring undying love to each other and hurling eggs off a balcony. These kids rule! Then they had to ruin it by getting ‘killer’ hangovers and learning things. Bitches.

I’d give it 6/10 because ‘Man this stuff’s potent’.

Hang Time

Hang Time was about this high school basketball team who were uncomfortably close to their coach. I actually waited for the very special episode where one of the ‘fellas’ lays down a sexual harassment suit, but it never came.

I had hoped I wouldn’t be able to find this show because I never really enjoyed it, but alas, youtube failed to fail me yet again. It has the typical hammy acting, terrible wardrobe choices and sets as your standard Aaron Spellingesque teen fare, but it somehow manages to be so much worse. After careful consideration, I have determined the reason its so bad is because the cast aren’t even trying. Its like they knew preemptively that there was no point, that no producers would call to invite them to try out for any blockbusters, that no reviewer from the New Yorker would be critiquing the episode where Danny thought Mary Beth kissed another guy and that the target audience were of the lowest common denominator, slack jawed idiots who would just as happily sit watching a continuous loop of a monkey rolling around in its own filth. Its the mournful glaze in those long since deadened eyes as they woodenly recite their lines, remembering a time so full of promise, back when Drama School was just starting and the future was still dazzlingly bright, that makes Hang Time so shit. Its the same look I imagine a hooker might get upon finding out she had caught HIV from a john. Utter futility.

So I’d say 2/10. 1 for sorrow. 1 for pity.

Sweet Valley High

(Best youtube comment on this video; ”dat shit wa hard nigga. iliked it for the hoes and this song”)

I still know the words to this theme song. The shame. I used to watch SVH because I was really really into the books, which are in all fairness, amazing works of literary achievement (I LOVED Lila Fowler and I will always think of myself as an honorary member of the Unicorn club). Its about these two hot blonde Californian twins, one whos supposedly really sweet and nice and one who’s a massive bitch. Its pretty bad, I don’t need to re-watch to remember that. It was like a more far fetched teen version of Days Of Our Lives but with less comas. However I fully support its return, for nostalgic reasons and because it still inspires delightfully earnest hokum, like the video below;

Wow. 5/10.

USA High

This show had everything, terrible fake European accents, hot actors in skimpy outfits and no real discernable plot to speak of. It was about a bunch of kids from different countries who attended a school in Paris called ‘The American Academy’ or some shit. Unofficially ‘USA High’. Thomas Magier, the dude who played Christian, was my first celebrity crush. Back then I was able to see past the negligible chin and terrifying Austrian accent and glimpse his soul. And also, his biceps.

Are those guns fully loaded?!

Even USA High’s cancellation wasn’t enough to douse the flames of my adolescent passion. I remember Sugar had a picture of him in their ‘Hot Guys’ feature, which I do believe, I cut out and stuck in the outer pocket of my backpack until one of the nuns on playground duty at my school called me out on it. Call me Thomas. You’re still the one.

10/10 because I still believe we are meant to be together. Somewhere there’s a place for us.

Bonus; because I have ‘Having fun ISN’T HARD, when you’ve got a LIBRARY CARD’ stuck in my head and I don’t see why I should have to fucking suffer alone. Also, Arthur is and was the shit.

I wrote about the Sheila’s Wheels bitches for I don’t care if you wouldn’t I would. I would.

15 thoughts on “Bullshit Shows or; The Reason I Am So Profoundly Stupid

  1. Classic mind numbimg & addictive telly… yes I sang all the theme tunes even before clicking the youtube clips.

    I also used to watch Saved by The Bell…’the new school’


  2. me too! i know all the words to that show. i also believe its what started my life long usage of outdated american slang.

  3. Wow. This is unsettling. It’s like someone’s lived my extremely uneventful adolescence.

    Channel 5 on saturday promised Daria, but I always missed it and ended up with the leftovers, ‘USA high’ and the edifying ‘Singled out’, which forever warped my understanding of male and female relations. Gutted:

    I suppose having Trouble you didn’t deal with terrestrial TV and you were spared shows like, ‘Harry and Kosh’ or ‘The Tribe’. Basically, given your reasoning, channel 5 fucking owes me a masters.

    Honourable mention to Tia and Tammera from Sister Sister, though that show was not shit.

    I’m still carrying a torch for Alex Mac.
    Nostalgia is a bitch.

  4. the tribe was shit and singled out was shit. poor man’s blind date.

    alex mac was also shit but larisa oleynik grew up to be hot so its cool.

  5. also:

    The angry commenters.
    I am not an angry commenter. I even pretended to be one on youtube for the sake of irony. Which makes the fact that I’m going to leave an angry comment…a coincidence not ironic.
    Maybe after reading your hate filled bile spitting vendetta about everyone who’s ever annoyed you, the angry commenters decided that since your article contains, no enlitenment just self serving hate that they should at the very least make sure that your half arsed piss poor opinions are based on true facts
    Posted by tom on June 11, 2009 at 10:31 pm Reply

    dear tom

    thank you for your heartfelt criticisms. I am sorry you felt that my opinions were piss poor (?) and that my article was indeed, self serving something i must admit, had indeed occurred to me before i pressed ’send’ , because you know…it was a piece i wrote called ‘the top ten worst types of people’. i am sorry that you didn’t find my ’self serving’ article to be full of ‘true facts’. but, what saddens me the most, tom, is that my satirical piece on a website for teenagers failed to ‘enliten’ you. tom, you will never fathom the depths of shame and loathing i will carry with me always for failing you.

    you are a better man than I, tom and i urge you to fight the good fight, stamping out injustice on message boards and forums across the globe. i salute you, sweet prince.

    your servant, amy green
    Posted by amy on June 11, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I CAME.

    • hahahaha. yeah. people are not, you know. bright.

      p.s the tribe suuuuuuuuuuuucked. i feel angry thinking about it. fuck that show.

  6. Ha ha. Sorry for bringing it up. I guess the story of a post apocalyptic world filled with teenage nu-ravers seemed to touch so many lives.

    Anyone remember Heartbreak high? Another teen drama from Oz. All I can remember is the rebel Drazic. Never have a brow piercing and roller blades looked so menacing.

  7. I vaguely remember it. I think it was definitely one of those shows I avoided, though. Time to go out or stare slack jawed at ‘saturday kitchen’

  8. Fantastic post.

    Brief thoughts :

    Pathetically, my old gf and I used to get up especially early just to watch these shows at the weekend.

    Trouble was THE shit back when Lucie, Ortis, Jason and Suzanne were the presenters.

    SVH jumped the shark when the original Lila left.

    Mary Beth from Hang Time was incredibly hot.

    Saved By The Bell : The New Class sucked, but The College Years is underrated. Bob Golic’s mullet is immense.

    Where is the love/hate for Zoey, Duncan, Jack & Jane and California Dreams?

    • Zoey Duncan Jack and Jane was shit, but nurtured my love of pale, miserable goth girls with flat monotones for voices. California Dreams was fucking awful too. That blonde with the fake tits who was supposed to be basically retarded used to make me angry and depressed. Do you remember ‘One World’ about that white dude who adopted a child of every race or something?

  9. I had the misfortune of catching One World a couple of times. Utterly dire.

    California Dreams was great, though, even though all the characters were annoyingly retarded (the blond, the orientel broad, the rebellious dude in the leather jacket) or bland (Matt, his sister and their generic white family) bar their shiesty manager Sly and token black guy Tony.

    ..well, okay, maybe it was far from great but it did have an infectiously catchy theme.

    Surf dudes with attituddddde
    kinda groovy

  10. Pingback: I Woz ‘Ere, TBH. « Its like, yeah motherfucker.

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