”I was looking at pornography okay! Is that what you guys wanna hear?!”

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ICE.

On beautiful memories;

Amy oh gosh. says: i will always think of you as my creepy friend

Ash /|\ says: want that on my gravestone

Amy oh gosh. says: RIP man, you’ll be making angels nervous and uncomfortable in the sky

NME or FHM?;

Amy oh gosh. says: at least nme knows it is shit, on some level

Amy oh gosh. says: like a ginger child

Ash /|\  says: 😄

Ash /|\  says: FHM has tits

Ash /|\ says: NME has Beth Ditto

Amy oh gosh. says: tbf you could buy a copy of ‘Jugs Monthly’ or watch scrambled porn for tits

Ash /|\ says: yes but you’d rather not

Ash /|\ says: I’d imagine going to the counter with Jugs Monthly isn’t anyones finest hour

Amy oh gosh. says: you could do it with a casual insouciance

Amy oh gosh. says: rock up to the counter with your ray ban aviators on and go ‘alright chief? give us a pack of marlboro red too, yeah?’

Amy oh gosh. says: basically what buying fhm says is that you are so serious about your pornography that you need captions

Goddamnit I fucking hate Pitchfork Jesus Christ;

Ash /|\ says: ‘Hey Ma’ is in there

Amy oh gosh. says: breihan voted for it obv

Amy oh gosh. says: his black friend at Columbia used to play it while he was finishing his dissertation on the role of the female in corporate america

Amy oh gosh. says: which breihan took as ‘this really speaks to the ghetto’

Amy oh gosh. says: which then became ‘this really speaks to me’

Ash /|\  says: 😄

Amy oh gosh.  says: same girl is in there isn’t it

Amy oh gosh. says: ”usher weaves an ironic tapestry, taking us on a lyrical journey through the pain and confusion of infidelity” or something

Ash /|\ says: not sure, I didnt see it

Amy oh gosh. says: also i prefer r kelly with no hair

Ash /|\ says: I prefer r kelly with no clothes

Amy oh gosh. says: 😄

On Notorious B.I.G (Part 2);

Amy oh gosh. says: i realized something just awful during notorious

Amy oh gosh. says: and that is, women had sex with B.I.G

Amy oh gosh. says: he got married to a hottie

Amy oh gosh. says: and he had groupies

Amy oh gosh.  says: now, how fucked up does your relationship with your dad have to be?

On awesome roles;

Amy oh gosh. says: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LboRuO3UMSI&feature=related best job EVER

Ash /|\ says: my bollocks that guy benched 150

Amy oh gosh. says: imagine having on your cv ‘played a molester on saved by the bell’

Ash /|\ says: and not even the original saved by the bell

Ash /|\ says: ‘the new class’

Amy oh gosh.  says: what an uptight bitch

Ash /|\ says: she should loosen up, WHORE

Amy oh gosh. says: he’s only trying to be friendly jesus christ

Ash /|\ says: slag just cant be throwing sexual harassment lawsuits up in this piece

Amy oh gosh. says: ”i didn’t TOUCH the bitch, she was all up in my junk and i was like, back up i heard you have diseases”

On genius in its rawest form;

Amy oh gosh. says: this is supposed to be a high class bureau de change

Ash /|\ says: not some two bit punch and judy show on the seafront at margate

Amy oh gosh. says: i want to be chris morris

Ash /|\ says: just imagine how respected chris morris is in the comedy field

Amy oh gosh. says: he must be a legend

Amy oh gosh. says: think about how many comedy writers he will have spawned in the next 10 years

Ash /|\ says: or in the last 10 years

Amy oh gosh. says: charlie brooker, chris morris, armando iannucci and the peep show dudes are like the best writers around today

Amy oh gosh. says: oh and ricky gervais and stephen merchant, obv

Ash /|\ says: me and you must be up there

Amy oh gosh. says: brb polishing Emmy.

On placid disagreement*;

Ash /|\ says: switched Pulp Fiction off half way through

Amy oh gosh. says: no way

Amy oh gosh. says: why?

Ash /|\ says: because it was shit

Amy oh gosh. says: man fuck you

Ash /|\ says: shit and boring and shit

Amy oh gosh. says: fuck you, fuck your shitty taste, just fuck you

Ash /|\ says: fuck you

Amy oh gosh. says: no fuck you

Ash /|\ says: just because I dont like your stupid ass film

Amy oh gosh. says: brick for brains motherfucker

Ash /|\ says: mouth breather

Amy oh gosh. says: sloping brow dullard

Amy oh gosh. says: p.s fuck you

Ash /|\ says: 😄

On Chrrrriisss Haaaaanseeen;

Amy oh gosh. says: chris hansen is my johnson srs

Ash /|\ says: gay for hansen

Amy oh gosh. says: basically

Amy oh gosh. says: i love the way he reads out the screennames

Amy oh gosh. says: completely deadpan

Ash /|\ says: iwanttorapeuanally

Amy oh gosh. says: that was beautiful

Amy oh gosh. says: remember the dude who tried to get a ride home

Ash /|\ says: classic paedophilia

Amy oh gosh. says: lazy paedophilia

On To Catch A Predator;

Amy oh gosh. says: i can’t wait until you’re featured on ‘to catch a predator uk’

Amy oh gosh. says: just take a seat. take a seat over there

Ash /|\ says: ive got the transcript right here

Amy oh gosh. says: what are you doing here?

Amy oh gosh. says: i figure you will be ‘a runner’

Ash /|\  says: 😄

Ash /|\ says: I’ll just accuse hansen of being a paedophile

Ash /|\ says: if they have hansen on the uk version

Ash /|\says: it might be jamie theakston or dean gaffney or someone

Amy oh gosh. says: if it was dean gaffney you could probably just say ‘come on, man’

Ash /|\ says: Ive told you before gaffney, not while im with my mates

(*Srsly how do you not like Pulp Fiction?!)

Bullshit Shows or; The Reason I Am So Profoundly Stupid

Awesome artwork from Outpost Daria

I recently wrote about Daria (for Platform), a show I grew up with, which I feel helped mentally mold me into the misanthropic sarcastic mess I am today.

During my reflective navel gazing (srs why am i so into nostalgia these days) I also remembered some other shows that I grew up with. When you were a kid, did you ever do that thing where you just sat in front of the TV and watched whatever the fuck was on? And even though in some dim recess of your mind, you realized that the show holding your attention was offensively retarded, it never occurred to you to stop watching it? Yeah. Anyway.

Here are some other ridiculously bad shows I used to watch when I was younger. The fact that I am not dribbling at a bus stop somewhere is a testament to God. I should sue Trouble.

In the interest of science I watched them again to see how they measured up to my memories.

City Guys

City Guys was about a group of ‘urban youths’ attending an ‘urban high school’ and living on the mean streets of a budget set meant to be New York City. Most weeks it dealt with incredibly serious issues, like being pressured into buying ‘X’ or thinking about talking about maybe having sex. You know. Things we can all relate to. City Guys also has one of the best theme songs of any show ever. I defy you to find another unintentionally hilarious theme song that could top it.

I watched an episode where the main characters ‘experiment’ with alcohol. I’m quite alarmed to see that, despite playing high schoolers, most of the actors must have been pushing 30. One of the guys does a shot and gasps, then hisses ‘Man this stuff’s potent’. I had to pause it so I could laugh for about an hour. After three shots of ‘potent’ tequila, they are declaring undying love to each other and hurling eggs off a balcony. These kids rule! Then they had to ruin it by getting ‘killer’ hangovers and learning things. Bitches.

I’d give it 6/10 because ‘Man this stuff’s potent’.

Hang Time

Hang Time was about this high school basketball team who were uncomfortably close to their coach. I actually waited for the very special episode where one of the ‘fellas’ lays down a sexual harassment suit, but it never came.

I had hoped I wouldn’t be able to find this show because I never really enjoyed it, but alas, youtube failed to fail me yet again. It has the typical hammy acting, terrible wardrobe choices and sets as your standard Aaron Spellingesque teen fare, but it somehow manages to be so much worse. After careful consideration, I have determined the reason its so bad is because the cast aren’t even trying. Its like they knew preemptively that there was no point, that no producers would call to invite them to try out for any blockbusters, that no reviewer from the New Yorker would be critiquing the episode where Danny thought Mary Beth kissed another guy and that the target audience were of the lowest common denominator, slack jawed idiots who would just as happily sit watching a continuous loop of a monkey rolling around in its own filth. Its the mournful glaze in those long since deadened eyes as they woodenly recite their lines, remembering a time so full of promise, back when Drama School was just starting and the future was still dazzlingly bright, that makes Hang Time so shit. Its the same look I imagine a hooker might get upon finding out she had caught HIV from a john. Utter futility.

So I’d say 2/10. 1 for sorrow. 1 for pity.

Sweet Valley High

(Best youtube comment on this video; ”dat shit wa hard nigga. iliked it for the hoes and this song”)

I still know the words to this theme song. The shame. I used to watch SVH because I was really really into the books, which are in all fairness, amazing works of literary achievement (I LOVED Lila Fowler and I will always think of myself as an honorary member of the Unicorn club). Its about these two hot blonde Californian twins, one whos supposedly really sweet and nice and one who’s a massive bitch. Its pretty bad, I don’t need to re-watch to remember that. It was like a more far fetched teen version of Days Of Our Lives but with less comas. However I fully support its return, for nostalgic reasons and because it still inspires delightfully earnest hokum, like the video below;

Wow. 5/10.

USA High

This show had everything, terrible fake European accents, hot actors in skimpy outfits and no real discernable plot to speak of. It was about a bunch of kids from different countries who attended a school in Paris called ‘The American Academy’ or some shit. Unofficially ‘USA High’. Thomas Magier, the dude who played Christian, was my first celebrity crush. Back then I was able to see past the negligible chin and terrifying Austrian accent and glimpse his soul. And also, his biceps.

Are those guns fully loaded?!

Even USA High’s cancellation wasn’t enough to douse the flames of my adolescent passion. I remember Sugar had a picture of him in their ‘Hot Guys’ feature, which I do believe, I cut out and stuck in the outer pocket of my backpack until one of the nuns on playground duty at my school called me out on it. Call me Thomas. You’re still the one.

10/10 because I still believe we are meant to be together. Somewhere there’s a place for us.

Bonus; because I have ‘Having fun ISN’T HARD, when you’ve got a LIBRARY CARD’ stuck in my head and I don’t see why I should have to fucking suffer alone. Also, Arthur is and was the shit.

I wrote about the Sheila’s Wheels bitches for I don’t care if you wouldn’t I would. I would.

Da Chat Log Years; Part Ridiculous.

Hey W@W look at this!!; Ash actually has a blog now and it is actually very very good. I strongly suggest you check it out.

http://lessbrighteyesmoredeicide.wordpress.com/

OMGZ!

On the Wire;

Amy oh gosh. says: oh my god this dude is getting beaten up by method man

Amy oh gosh. says: would it not be an honour?

Ash /|\ says: I would stand there and take a licking

Amy oh gosh. says: just to brag about it later.

RIP B.I.G;

Amy oh gosh. says: I was loling at the incredibly profound chorus of the Notorious B.I.G tribute ‘nasty girl’

Amy oh gosh. says: ”all the ladies if you feel me grab your titties for B.I.G”

Amy oh gosh. says: ten four, big guy.

Ash /|\  says: how he’d want to be remembered

Amy oh gosh. says: ladies squeezing titties in his memory

Amy oh gosh. says: i heard when he died, a similar tribute was paid to martin luther king

On ‘Music For Men’;

Amy oh gosh. says: but i strongly recommend you listen to the new gossip album

Ash /|\ says: do you know what I would rather do than listen to it

Amy oh gosh. says: what

Ash /|\ says: cut off my erect penis with a rusty spoon

Amy oh gosh. says: 😄

On Nostalgia;

Amy oh gosh. says: feeling so depressed reading my myspace messages

Amy oh gosh. says: ”You just have to imagine him going to a club in Peckham or something. Suddenly all the talk about ‘ridin’ dat gash and bunnin’ some zoots’ amounts to nothing more than an awkward white guy in a ‘BOY BETTER KNOW’ t-shirt afraid of even the timid African man handing out paper towels in the bathroom.”

Amy oh gosh. says: from ’06. so i was basically always angry

(This will never stop being funny to me. The reason why I keep telling people to ”suck my presidential cock, bitch!”)

On potential paramours;

Amy oh gosh. says: i literally had to dig deep into my memory bank to remember which one she is

Amy oh gosh. says: ”the one who’s not the other one” is what i came up with

Ash /|\ says: good call

Amy oh gosh. says: or, the one who you’ll probably end up stalking but not the one who will end up in your freezer

Ash /|\ says: if I had my way, they’d all end up in my freezer

Amy oh gosh. says: 😄

Amy oh gosh. says: you will make a great ‘that weird guy’ some day

Ash /|\ says: remember that guy we used to hang out with at uni? yeah he was a freakshow wasnt he

Ash /|\ says: and I’ll be typing up my reviews on punternet

Amy oh gosh. says: and standing too close to 15 year olds at the bus stop

Amy oh gosh. says: and then when the bus actually comes, just strolling away

Ash /|\ says: the best thing about 15 year olds is that as I get older, they always stay the same age

On seeing NIN live (CUNT);

Amy oh gosh. says: oooh i’m trent reznor i didn’t OD and showed up when i was supposed to

Amy oh gosh. says: SOMEONE just lost a fan

Ash /|\  says: it was fucking amazing

Ash /|\ says: it really really was

Ash /|\ says: jesus would have been a mere mortal at this show

Ash /|\ says: for trent is god

Amy oh gosh. says: i cannot wait until i can lord an incredible show over you. cannot wait

Ash /|\ says: whatevs

Amy oh gosh. says: it will happen

Amy oh gosh. says: i’m not always going to be a manic depressive avoiding the company of others you’ll see

On Pitchfork’s stance on Rock and Roll;

Ash /|\ says: http://pitchfork.com/news/36190-grohlhommejones-supergroup-post-first-brief-hint-of-new-music/

Amy oh gosh. says: ”Last week, we alerted you to the existence of triple-headed rawk hydra Them Crooked Vultures” jesus christ

Ash /|\ says: pitchfork are scared of rock and roll

Amy oh gosh. says: they are scared of people who listen to rock and roll

Amy oh gosh. says: the people who used to beat them up, but with jobs and facial hair

Ash /|\ says: 😄

Ash /|\ says: the mere mention of ‘van halen’ sends shivers down Schreibers spine

Amy oh gosh. says: he still remembers being kicked into unconciousness by four be-mulleted hoodlums while the power chords of ‘jump‘ blared on, uncaring, in the background

(More writing and such coming soon after a brief hiatus. Watch this space and also the space around it.)